I have a dirty little secret.
It’s so “dirty” that I don’t even want to write about it. Hell, I don’t even want to accept it, and yet, I know that’s the only way to address it.
I keep thinking that if I just put it away, it will go away. But then the only thing that happens is that I beat myself up for not putting it away. And then I indulge in it all over again. And the cycle continues. Argh!
Oh, and of course, there’s this element of decadence to it.
You can see why I’m still doing it.
But if it’s so good (on some level at least), why the shame? Why don’t I just embrace it as part of my life? Because I know, deep in my gut, that it’s not in my highest good, and that long-term, I don’t want to be doing it.
For the recovering perfectionist that is me, this is definitely a problem.
In his book Radical Honesty, Brad Blanton says that “the stress that kills or cripples most of the population comes from people being too hard on themselves when they don’t live up to their own imaginings about how other people think they should behave. We don’t know who we are, and we try to guess who we ought to be in order to do the right thing and be happy.” Hear hear.
“It wasn’t until she learned that it was OK to mess up, dress down, fall short, bomb out, cut off all her hair and – the ultimate – disappoint Mom, that things began to change.” (from Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas)
Ah yes, I’m a recovering people-pleaser too.
So now that I know all this, what on earth should I do?!?!
Nothing at all.
I don’t have to do anything. I just need to accept where I am.
Awareness, then acceptance.
It feels like a weed that’s taken root, planted deep inside my subconscious. Yes, things probably have to change, but not today.
That one day might be tomorrow; it might be on Monday. It’s the day that you find the courage (from somewhere) to be fearless and do exactly what is required.
But you don’t have to do it today.
It sounds like exactly the opposite of what all great spiritual teachers will tell you. Even if it is, what I know, is that this is what works for me. To plant the seed and then leave it alone. Get on with life, my work, the things I love.
And then everything falls magically into place and miracles appear. This is the time when things I could never, ever, ever have come up with myself, turn up, and literally turn things upside down in a good way.
So with that, I’m off to follow my bliss, safe in the knowledge that this little dirty secret will dissolve itself all on its own.