Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.
- Mary Oliver
I am sad.
I don’t want to be sad.
I want to be happy.
All the successful people who are making it in the world, they’re happy. All the time. I know this for sure.
But I am sad, ergo, I am unsuccessful.
I need to figure how to be happy, and fast. Time is meant to be my most valuable commodity.
But I am still sad.
The stupid sadness isn’t going anywhere.
The tightness of the dry tears under my eyelids is a welcome distraction from my burning eyes. I am reminded of the fact that I am not sleeping.
I need to have a better night tonight.
I need to not be sad.
I need to not clench my teeth as I write - but if I don’t, I might cry again.
Stupid tears.
Stupid tears.
I hate the word acceptance right now. It’s doesn’t change jack. My eyes still sting. My heart still aches.
I sigh.
I take a deep breath. And then I take another. I try to remind myself that by regulating my breath, I can regulate my emotions.
But my chest feels heavy.
I just feel sad.
I let myself feel sad.
It’s OK to feel sad.
It will pass.
In time.
It all passes. In time.
I can be sad.
It’s OK.
It’s OK.
But it’s not OK.
Nothing is OK.
And just at that moment, I feel an angel next to me. She whispers in my ear.
“If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”
I sigh.
It will be OK.
Somehow.
One day.
Somehow.
The angel said so.
