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  • Sona Parmar

Sadness

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

- Mary Oliver




I am sad.


I don’t want to be sad.


I want to be happy.


All the successful people who are making it in the world, they’re happy. All the time. I know this for sure.


But I am sad, ergo, I am unsuccessful.


I need to figure how to be happy, and fast. Time is meant to be my most valuable commodity.


But I am still sad.


The stupid sadness isn’t going anywhere.


The tightness of the dry tears under my eyelids is a welcome distraction from my burning eyes. I am reminded of the fact that I am not sleeping.


I need to have a better night tonight.


I need to not be sad.


I need to not clench my teeth as I write - but if I don’t, I might cry again.


Stupid tears.


Stupid tears.


I hate the word acceptance right now. It’s doesn’t change jack. My eyes still sting. My heart still aches.


I sigh.


I take a deep breath. And then I take another. I try to remind myself that by regulating my breath, I can regulate my emotions.


But my chest feels heavy.


I just feel sad.


I let myself feel sad.


It’s OK to feel sad.


It will pass.


In time.


It all passes. In time.


I can be sad.


It’s OK.


It’s OK.


But it’s not OK.


Nothing is OK.


And just at that moment, I feel an angel next to me. She whispers in my ear.


“If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.”


I sigh.


It will be OK.


Somehow.


One day.


Somehow.


The angel said so.



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